Validation & Accurate Expression
Show Up and Speak Up to connect with another person while communicating what matters clearly.
Included in these Programs: STEP Training - LEAP Courses
Tool Overview
Showing Up and Speaking Up are two connected tools for navigating conversations more effectively, especially when emotions are high or something important needs to be communicated.
Good communication works in both directions. We need to understand what another person is experiencing, while also being able to clearly express our own experience, needs, and goals.
Showing Up focuses on the other person: paying attention, understanding, and responding in a way that helps them feel heard and validated.
Speaking Up focuses on you: identifying what matters, checking your understanding of the situation, and expressing yourself clearly without unnecessary judgment, blame, or assumptions.
The goal isn't to choose between your needs and theirs. It's to make room for both.
Quick Practice: Try It Now
When a conversation matters, start by slowing the interaction down enough to respond intentionally.
1 · Manage the Moment
Before trying to communicate, notice what's happening in you.
Are you angry, anxious, defensive, overwhelmed, or already preparing your response?
You don't need to eliminate the emotion. Create enough space to choose what you do next instead of reacting automatically.
2 · Show Up
Turn your attention toward the other person.
Listen for what they are actually trying to communicate, not just the words you want to respond to.
Try to:
Pay attention. Give the person your attention before planning your response.
Understand. Ask questions or reflect back what you think you're hearing.
Acknowledge the experience. Look for what makes sense about their reaction, even if you see the situation differently.
Validate before fixing. Being understood often needs to come before advice or solutions.
Be genuine. Validation works best when it sounds like you, not like a script.
You might say:
“I can understand why that bothered you.”
“It makes sense that you'd feel that way.”
“It sounds like you're feeling…”
“Help me understand what happened.”
“I'm here.”
Validation does not mean agreeing with everything someone says. It means communicating that you understand something about their experience.
3 · Speak Up
Now identify what you want the other person to understand.
Ask yourself:
What happened?
Separate observable facts from assumptions, labels, or judgments.
What am I feeling?
Name your experience as accurately as you can.
What do I want or need?
Clarify your goal before trying to communicate it.
What am I asking for?
If you want something to change, make the request clear enough for the other person to understand and respond to.
Then put it together as simply as possible:
“When ___ happened, I felt ___. What I'd like is ___.”
Accurate expression doesn't mean saying everything you're thinking. It means communicating what is relevant, truthful, and useful to the conversation.
4 · Keep the Conversation Moving
Communication is a back-and-forth process.
After you speak up, return to showing up. Listen to the response, check your understanding, validate where you can, and clarify your own position when needed.
You can understand another person's experience without giving up your own.
Common Mistakes
Treating validation as agreement instead of understanding another person's experience.
Trying to fix the problem too quickly before the other person feels heard.
Listening only long enough to prepare your response.
Using judgments as facts, such as “You don't care” or “You're being selfish.”
Hinting at what you need instead of making a clear request.
Trying to communicate while highly activated and becoming more reactive as the conversation continues.
Assuming one person has to be right for the other person's experience to matter.
Only speaking up or only showing up instead of making room for both sides of the interaction.
When to Use
During conflict or disagreement
When someone comes to you upset, frustrated, or overwhelmed
When giving or receiving difficult feedback
When asking for something you need
When setting or discussing a boundary
When a conversation keeps becoming defensive or unproductive
When you want someone to understand your perspective without attacking theirs
In relationships, teams, caregiving, leadership, and other situations where both connection and clarity matter
Why it works
Showing Up and Speaking Up draw from:
DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) Interpersonal Effectiveness → Adapted from the GIVE and DEAR MAN skills, which help balance maintaining relationships with clearly communicating needs and goals.
Validation → Communicating understanding can reduce defensiveness and help people remain engaged in difficult conversations.
Emotion Regulation → Managing emotional intensity first makes intentional communication easier.
Trauma-Informed Approach → Clear, respectful, nonjudgmental communication can support safety, predictability, choice, and connection.
Together, the tools address both sides of effective communication:
Showing Up asks:Do I understand you?
Speaking Up asks:Can I help you understand me?
Related Tools
Emotion Wave Surfing → for managing strong emotions before or during a difficult conversation
Drive Your Attention → for redirecting focus after unpacking
Judgment Icebergs → for separating observable facts from assumptions and judgments
Identifying Primary vs. Secondary Emotions → for deeper clarity
Addressing Conflict → for applying these skills when disagreement becomes more difficult
Regular Unpacking → for processing challenging interactions afterward
Learn this in training
Showing Up and Speaking Up are taught as part of the STEP program, where participants practice both sides of effective interpersonal communication: understanding and validating another person's experience while accurately expressing their own needs, feelings, and goals.
